It's Mother's Day!

My mother was an amazing woman...without her in my life I would never have become an actor/artist.  I would never have been able to believe in myself and follow my dreams.  She was always my biggest fan but she was NOT a stage mother.  Oh...she was ALWAYS there, but in the shadows and silent and had a purse full of useful items for us like band-aids, gum, paperclips and bobby pins for the girls.  She was at every single performance (or close to it) along with my Auntie Carm who was like a second Mom to me (Mom is on the left and Auntie Carm on the right) for all of my High School and College Shows.  Maybe she knew she wouldn't get to see most of my work as a professional and so she wanted to get as much in as possible.  I do not know.  What I do know is that she loved me and supported me unconditionally.  And when I was little, an ad exec approached her about taking me to New York City and making her, as he put it, "A boatload of money on commercials."  She said..."I appreciate it, but I want my son to have a childhood.  If he wants this life he needs to be old enough to make that decision for himself."  I am grateful for that decision.  I DID have a childhood and I DID make the decision on my own.

So today, on this special day when we pay tribute to Mom's...I send so much love and gratitude to my late Mom, Genevieve Riviere Monacelli and my late Aunt, Carmella Monacelli.  Great ladies who I miss every day.

Here is a poem from my book FLOWERS IN AUTUMN for all the Mom's and adopted Mom's and Second Mom's out there!

SOME FLOWERS
Somewhere in the backyard are my mother's favorite flower - lily of the valley.  The fragrant bells have bloomed by May, a time for mothers.

The Peonies have yet to bloom.  I planted them because my father had one near the shed at the cottage on the lake.

There are two types of lilac trees.  I like the one because it is so different, and the other one because it is what I expect.

Rose bushes line the wall, their variety of color remind me of an Easter Basket, or a box of crayons, or a rainbow that reflects a kind of forgiveness.

And there are many other flowers:  the hyacinths, the tulips, the crocus, and a bleeding heart, and there are always daffodils - yellow daffodils that I picked a million miles from here, a million years ago.

The art of listening...

Production Photo from THE IMAGINARY LIFE OF THE STREET SWEEPER AUGUST G
Photo by Ed Krieger

As a young performer, I was trained in the old-school style of musical theatre...louder, faster, funnier.  My job was to FIND my show by opening night and then repeat that show every night...hit my marks, re-create what I had prepared myself to do.  I was very literal with that technique for a long time.  It wouldn't be a surprise if someone gave me a wrong cue line and I just said what I was supposed to say, even if it didn't make sense.  After all, I was doing my job, saying MY line, the playwright or book writer's line, in the place I was supposed to say it as I had said it many times before.  

Two years after I graduated college I was invited back as a guest artist to revive a role I had created as a senior in a very difficult and wonderful historical play about the life of Saint Vincent de Paul.  In a particular scene I was supposed to break down into tears talking about Thaddeus Lee, Vincent's and The Congregation of the Mission's first martyr.  When I was a senior in college, I often had to fake it. I tried emotional recall but it didn't always work for me.  And besides, there were so many lines that I was always thinking about what came next half the time and so quite often, during the original run, I would fake it.

However, when I came back to the text two years later, it became quite apparent that if I just LISTENED to the monologue before mine that all the emotion I needed was RIGHT THERE.  I just had to LISTEN.  I just had to let go of what had already happened in the play and what was to come and trust that all of my preparation was enough.  Now... much of this wisdom was arrived upon with my director Tim Ward and the actress who played the queen, the gorgeous and talented Erika Insana.  They were instrumental in my beginning to become aware of the art of listening.  Not just to my cue line or the line before it, but to the life and world of the play.

As I got older, I didn't always heed that wisdom...I would often find myself in my old habits of "repeat that performance if you can!"

Thankfully, in recent years, having worked with some amazing folks who have studied the techniques of our more modern age, I now make it a part of my craft to LISTEN.  I do my work to be prepared but each show is it's own.  I do NOT take liberties with blocking or with words, and those actors who do are disrespecting all those who work with them - directors, writers and mostly fellow actors.  Those egos should stick to one-man-shows!

But I do listen and I do stay in the moment that I am in.  Each night may find different inflections or a different cadence or emphasis.  My physical life, within the set blocking may be different.  And if other actors have found new things or if they make a mistake and say something different, I try to pick up the ball (as it were) and not be so rigid or stuck with what it was supposed to be but live in what "it is!"

I am grateful for my current play, The American Premiere of THE IMAGINARY LIFE OF THE STREET SWEEPER AUGUST G as it gives me a chance to listen, to be in the moment, to create a living piece of art that WILL BE different each night but at it's root, holds the truth and vision of the playwright, the director and the cast who helped to create the work.

Theatre is a special art form because the nature of it, is, to be live.  Therefore it is living.  And in life nothing stays the same...and in life, when we listen, we tend to learn and grow.  I have certainly learned a great deal about my craft doing this show.  And I expect to learn more before the the run is finished!

Annnnnd...BLACKOUT!

Tech will always be tech...

I am about to open an American Premiere of a play with 31 actors - THE IMAGINARY LIFE OF THE STREET SWEEPER AUGUST G. While it can be argued that a play with 4 actors is much easier to stage, when it's that time in the rehearsal process for tech, it really doesn't matter what the size of the cast or the style of the show...tech, is tech, is tech! It is stopping and starting and going back and waiting and waiting and waiting and skipping and being lost and forgetting your lines and getting frustrated and giddy and exhausted. But it is a necessary beast of the craft as the components of sound and light and final stage elements can be the difference between a good show and a great show. I am certainly proud of the work I am doing in this play and honored to be working with so many dedicated and talented artists. I look forward to our dress rehearsals and the run. Tech was tedious and difficult and pretty much the same as the 100s of other techs I have done. Tech will always be tech and it will always mark the 11th hour.

SO... curtain up, light the lights! Break-a-leg!

My first Easter Audition!

It's been a couple weeks since my last entry as I have been busy with the new blog for the cooking show and rehearsals for the American Premiere of August G. It's funny how I never get used to the roller-coaster and yet I have chosen a career which guarantees me a "ride" whether I want it or not! Today marked a new one for me...an audition on Easter...well sort of! I received a call from one of the biggest casting offices in NYC last week requesting that I work on material they were sending me, put it on tape (since I am in LA) and have it uploaded on a private link to YouTube by Monday morning...which is NOW!

And so...

I was in rehearsal all day Saturday and knew my only chance to record the material would be Easter Sunday. I am blessed that my partner is such a supportive and giving man that he was willing to take 6 hours out of our Easter to make this happen. At least we got in a beautiful afternoon walk (and some fresh picked grapefruit from one of our neighbors) and I did make us a scrumptious lamb dinner. But truth be told, I couldn't have done it without him. We face a lot of technical challenges with lighting and sound and so it took us longer than it might have with better equipment and a better space but I am proud of the result and grateful for the opportunity to be seen for such a major project.

Can't say what it is for as I don't want to jinx it, but fingers and toes crossed!

Wishing you all light and love, joy and gratitude! And away we go!

Where do we go from here?

In glancing over the titles of all my past entries in this blog, this is only the third time I have asked a question in the title. That surprises me because I am someone who is CONSTANTLY asking questions - of myself, of a situation, of others (especially teachers, directors, colleagues). I am always asking questions because I am always seeking answers!

For the past week I have been faced with that ugly monster of fear and doubt. Wondering if the move to LA was the right one? Wondering if the projects I have chosen are the "best" for my career and for me as a person? Wondering if the "honeymoon" is over?

I realize that we all have hills and valleys and as I have mentioned in previous posts I am trying to live in gratitude. But sometimes that is more difficult than I would like it to be. And rainy days like today "always get me down."

But for this moment, as the rain pours outside, I will focus on all I have: an amazing loving partner, a wonderful little apartment, a great part in an American Premiere of a play, my cooking show, my health, and of course, my supportive friends and family! Not bad is it? I guess making a list of what we HAVE is a great way to keep perspective.

As for where I go from here? I have no idea...onward and upward!

A simple and tasty meal...

What I hope to serve up on my cooking show...

COOKING EASY WITH PATRICK!

I hope you will all follow along!

Finding the balance...

Recently I saw an "inspiration video" if you will, from Tyler Perry. He talked about how if we scatter too many seeds that we will find ourselves "all over the place" and not have the focus on one thing, to succeed at anything. Kinda like that old cliche, I'm a Jack-of-all-Trades and Master of NONE! And yet, there has been the counter-argument that if we have multiple irons in the fire, our chances of something "catching" can improve exponentially. The more lines you toss into the water, the greater chance of catching a fish!

I'm not sure about you, but I'm having a hard time finding the balance in those two philosophies. Picking the one thing that I think will bring me success (I use that term loosely; more accurately: will bring me work that fulfills my creative needs and desires) is difficult for me and I usually find myself paralyzed with self doubt, self criticism, self sabotage (which normally causes me to just listen to Indigo Girls and eat a lot of chocolate), OR...I go at warp speed in 75 different directions submitting plays, filming, auditioning, trying to create a network, rehearsing, exercising, painting, working on a photography project, cooking...and it goes on!

I think it is time that I try to find a balance...maybe just sit silently for a change, silence the voices in my head and let the universe guide me to the place I am supposed to go. They say when you aren't sure what to do...do nothing. That too is REALLY hard for me. But the warp speed thing...torn in twenty different directions isn't working for me because I find I don't ever FINISH anything. Lots of things in progress but not seen through - the plays, the paintings, the photography projects, the auditions I don't go to or am under-prepared for.

And maybe that is where Tyler has it right. Pick something and give it your all. I just have to let go of the results when I do that...I have to keep the fear and doubt of "choosing the wrong thing" out of the equation or Nestles will be richer than they already are.

No man is an island.

Artists are often alone...memorizing lines, taking photos, painting a landscape, sculpting a masterpiece, practicing the trumpet, vocalizing in the shower. While the very creation of art may be a very personal and at times "isolated" experience, or, at its pinnacle, a way to give thanks to our higher power for giving us the gifts, I ultimately believe.that the shared experience of art is the true expression and most powerful gift. "But if that light's under a bushel, brrrr...its lost something kind of.crucial!"

I was involved with an actors group in New York City on-and-off for quite a few years. While we sometimes struggled to find a focus or solid format, one thing was certain...the group consciousness was the important element - the tool for growth and enlightenment and discovery. Even if we can come to knowledge on our own...and of course we do all the time, how glorious to share in the discovery of knowledge in a group. We are after all a collection of spirits making our way day to day as best as we can. I for one am a better human being because of.the collective forces in my life. Alone I am potential...with and through the collective force of "others" I am fulfilled.

It is in the group consciousness that we grow exponentially...alone we only have one perspective...ours. With others the perspectives are endless.

I am grateful for the groups of people in my life: artists, teachers, friends, colleagues, fellows...all of whom give me experience, strength and hope...all of whom help me gain knowledge and grow. "There is a brotherhood of man..."

On a wing and a prayer...

I've been thinking a lot about my move to Los Angeles...mostly because I have been so grateful for all of the audition opportunities and also because of the amazing support I'm feeling since I came out here (most notably from my dear Shane).

But I can't help and pause a bit after the passing of Whitney Houston and ponder life and what it all means? I say that last bit almost tongue in cheek because clearly none of us knows what it all means, but it represents the magnitude of what I am feeling. And she died literally a few miles from where we live so it was even more intense for some reason.

Let's face it...none of us are perfect. And I doubt there are many out there who have the perfect life they might have chosen for themselves were that even a possibility. But, there are some, who seem to be able to face their demons better than others - to find a way to sobriety (I use that term very loosely to represent a way of living that focuses on recovery from whatever ails us) and walk life's pathways with joy and gratitude at least a majority of the time. That is not to place judgement anywhere, it is merely an observation. There are those that seem to live in each moment as if it were their last; they take life by storm with a big smile and a bigger breath and they just march to their drum!

That is what I am hoping to do with this move to LA. Yes, it is about me trying to work in the realm of my career as an actor and writer and artist, but moreover it is a chance to begin again...like the phoenix rising out of the ashes (I realize I use that image a LOT). I want to be able to shed the fear of insecurity and doubt and mistrust...I want to focus on all that is positive and good and POSSIBLE. I want to maintain my own semblance of sobriety that allows me to make the healthiest, strongest and most joyful choices for my life and for the life I am creating with my partner.

I am well-aware as I find my way through my 40s that life really does happen on life's terms. And so often we feel like it's "on a wing and a prayer!" But I also believe that if we are open and joyful and constantly reminding ourselves of the gratitude, that we will be more available to take flight and to have the prayer answered.

And of course, part of my own gratitude is being able to create...write...sing...just get projects up on their feet! Shane and I are working on a little YouTube cooking show called, COOKING EASY WITH PATRICK. We are in pre-production now and hope to have the first little episode up in March. Be on the lookout for the trailer in the next couple weeks!

Light and love to you all...

Food for thought...

It's been almost a week since I've been in Los Angeles and I have to say that the most intriguing thing for me thus far has been my discovery of the 99c store; or more accurately my introduction to LA 99c stores! I've been in plenty of "dollar" stores on the East Coast but nothing could have prepared me for the addiction that these superstores in LA have caused. I am pretty certain that I have gone EVERY day and made purchases each time. How could I not? This is not just some plastic-wrap, knick-knack store. These places have groceries and FRESH PRODUCE! Yesterday I bought the largest bunch of asparagus I have ever seen and it was only 99cents!!!

So with all of this excitement over food at a 99c store comes my reinvestment in cooking at home. Our little place is modest but it has a good little kitchen and in the first week I made fish, chile, burgers, baked chicken, veggie stir fry, banana bread, chocolate chip cookies and lots of salads - at least some of the ingredients in the meals were from the 99c store!

When I have moved in the past (and I have moved a lot in my life) I have always spent a LOT of money eating out or ordering-in those first few weeks of the move. Now in fairness, Shane was here ahead of me and I had sent him some pots and pans and my favorite big wok. But still, just the idea of having to cook when you first move can be tiresome. But these 99c stores made me so excited to be saving money that I couldn't help myself! Now...it isn't all taken care of there...limited meats and no fresh fish, and you have to be careful with the produce, especially the fruit, but overall it really is pretty amazing.

It makes me think that if these places were everywhere that folks on a fixed income wouldn't need such huge assistance...at least not with food. And while people seem to point out much more these days that obesity is a huge problem in this country, I have always said that is a direct result of so many large families unable to afford healthy food with the dollar meal at McD's right around the corner. However that theory could be blown apart if the grocery dollar store were EVERYWHERE!

On another juicy note...I have had two film auditions in my first week and the second one for this little indie film went REALLY well! These auditions sure do work up an appetite. Bon appetit!